Ever since Kelly’s diagnosis of cancer I had been pretty strong. I had a couple of negative-anxiety ridden posts following the initial diagnosis but overall I felt strong and in control. Well that all ended last night.

I had an okay day, went to the laundromat and got all my laundry cleaned (still need to put it away ugh!). After Jaime and the girls came over and we hung out.

They left around 5pm and my mood began to deteriorate.

Around 7pm I lost it. Tears, anger, frustration all came to a boiling point. I felt completely out of control.

I don’t think I’ve ever cried like this. Worst part was I caused my mom to lose it too and then I really couldn’t stop crying once we both were on a roll.

Cancer sucks.

What sucks even more is this out of control – crazed person I feel I’ve been lately. Part of me is happy I had my mini-breakdown last night. I let down my guard and the dam came crashing down.

I once again feel in control and best of all, all my tears have been shed….at least for a few more days!

I promised Kelly I wouldn’t use my blog for evil … aka to solicit sympathy for myself on her behalf.  That will be difficult, but I shall try.

Let’s see….how can I write this and make it have nothing to do with Kelly….that’s nearly impossible, but I shall try to leave her out as much as I can….

My sister had surgery yesterday to remove several organs, one of which was her appendix that they think may be the source of the cancer, which is EXCELLENT news!  The surgeon was also able to zap (yes that’s a clinical term in my book!) 24 tumors that were lying on the outside of her liver!  More EXCELLENT NEWS!

I’m getting off track, to much talk about she who must not be named…let’s talk about me….

Kelly’s surgeries were planned for sometime yesterday afternoon between noon and six o’clock.  I had class in the morning through afternoon so that helped keep me occupied.  However around 2pm I began to get antsy and sent my mom a text asking if Kelly had gone back to surgery.  She responded back a few minutes later saying she’d been in surgery since noon.

Noon.  That was now over two hours ago.

I tried to continue to concentrate on my math class, but my mind continued to wander back to her surgery started over two hours ago, what’s gone wrong?

This is never a good sign for my brain to go into brain lock.

About the time I was going into a brain lock panic my mom texted me and said the surgery went well and Kelly was in recovery.  Instant relief.

After class I headed over to the hospital and was able to make it before she got out of recovery.  The nurse had prepped us that she was in good spirits and joking, so we were expecting an alert Kelly.  That was not what we soon saw.  The Kelly that rolled out of recovery room looked near comatose, in a ton of pain and beyond nauseous – an extremely vicious duo.

I hung out in her room with her and my mom for much of the evening, she slept while we watched.  The hourly vitals were the highlights of the evening.

This morning I spent working on an essay that I had to turn in tonight.  My reward for finishing was a trip to the hospital to visit my parents, Kelly and eat a delicious dinner in the hospital cafeteria.

As I was leaving they had gotten her hematocrit levels back after some testing and they were way to low (18 – normal is 30+), so she was waiting for a blood transfusion.  While writing this I started to get antsy that I couldn’t reach anyone and once again my brain went into brain lock.  After about 5 panicked calls to my mom’s cell phone someone finally answered.  I’ve never been so happy to hear a voice in my life.  Turns out her hematocrit had dropped again and she got really sick. She now is in the process of having the transfusion and it sounds like perked (and pinked) up quickly. 

I still haven’t talked to my mom, so I’m waiting for a call back from her to get more details.  I’m feeling better, still a little bit shakey and anxious, but better then I was a few minutes ago.

I now understand why my mom says “I feel better when I’m with her”.  I would feel better too, I would know what was going on.  Sitting at home is hard, especially when you have a brain locked brain like mine