All I want to do is run. Run fast and not look back.
I am okay being the coward who runs away from fear.
I am okay not facing it and pretending everything is okay. Really I am.
However, I don’t have that option and can’t run.
I’ve been home from Arizona for 24-hours+ and have known about the cancer now for five days. It still doesn’t feel any easier.
Kelly is out partying with her friends and I cannot stop crying.
Alex is completely okay with it (or so she acts) which makes me feel even more silly for being an emotional wreck.
My mom has (for the most part) stopped crying, at least in front of us. However, I saw my dad cry for the first time in my life yesterday and that broke my heart.
We’re all hurting. We’re all lost. We’re all confused.
We jokingly talk about death, reminding Kelly what we want in her will, etc. It takes the edge off a bit…for the moment we feel normal. Humor is getting us through this.
The love and support that has been outreached to Kelly and my family is mind boggling. Everyone is being so nice, kind and giving.
The phone is ringing off the hook (as it rings now) and I just have to let it ring, I’m not ready to tell the story all over again. I’m not ready to cry again.
It amazes me with all the love and support we’re receiving how I can still feel so depressed and alone. Ask anyone, I am anything but a depressed person. I’m normally outgoing, loud and obnoxious are normal choice adjectives people associate with me. Lately I don’t want to talk to anyone, I want to just lay in bed. That feels good.
*Sigh* the phone just rang again. Thankfully Alex answered it.
Meeting up with my mom and Alex for lunch at our favorite restaurant, then out for some retail therapy after.
I plan on running away again today. Maybe tomorrow I’ll be more ready to face reality.