Panic Attacks

Just the title sends shivers down my spine.

I’ve suffered from panic attacks my whole entire life.  In fact my very first panic attack occurred when I was just three years old.  One of Thursday’s Writer’s Workshop question over at Mama Kat’s is: Your first panic attack. However, I blogged about that event last year.  Hop on over to read about my Most Vivid Childhood Memory that just happened to also be my first panic attack.

Since I’ve already written about my first panic attack, I thought I’d share the ongoing attack I have right now.  It is slowly eating me away.  It’s to the point where I am going to the doctor tomorrow to get a medication changed for my anxiety, because I am in constant fear/anxiety.

About a month ago, I had a horrible experience at the triplets house.  We had been playing outside in the front yard all day.  It was time to clean-up and I watched Nate walk inside the house.  Shortly there after the rest of the kids followed inside along with Jaime (who was also over with her girls).  Jaime was going to put the kids in the bath while I finished cleaning up the mess of the yard.

This is the point when I lose track of time … I have no idea how much time past.  Felt like an eternity, but in acctuality it probably was 10 minutes.

I hear Jaime inside yelling “Nate”.  She called for him several times and got no answer.  She then comes out and says she can’t find him.  I know he is hiding from us.  It’s his favorite thing to do.  So I go inside to check his favorite hiding places.

I check those places.  No Nate.

By this time I can feel my blood curdling and my heart racing.

Jaime and I are running, screaming for Nate, around the house, the backyard, front yard and garage.  No Nate.

Again, I have no sense of time, that has passed.  Seemed at the time like forever.

Jaime decides to run next door and grab the neighbor to come and help (remember we have 5 other kids to watch).  When she comes back (neighborless I might add, because they were gone), we decide to call 911.

The triplets don’t have a house line anymore, so I start scrambling for my cell phone.  Can’t find it.  Jaime shoves hers into my hand and I shakily dial those three numbers 9-1-1.

Because I called on a cell phone, I was connected to the Sheriff’s office first.  Told what happened, the address, what Nate was wearing (which was just a pair of swim trunks) and then transferred me over to our local police department.

About the time the Police Department picked up and the Operator began to explain what was wrong, I hear Jaime scream “I found him!”

Those three words “I FOUND HIM” have never meant so much to me.  I believe Jaime shrieked so loudly that even the operator heard her!  The operator and policeman confirmed with me that he had been found.  I said yes, and thank you so much, and then hung up.

Where was Nate?

Hiding behind a chair IN the house WITH MY CELL PHONE.

Pretty sure I scared the crap out of Nate because by the time he was found I was a mess of emotions.  Relieved that he was found and safe, but beyond mad that he had hid from us like that.

Since that incident I am unable to let the kids plan on their own for vry long.  They can be in the house and I check on them 3, 4, 5 times.  I’m constantly yelling upstairs to confirm where they are.  I even have a hard time letting their 9-year-old sister go outside and play with her friends.  Something she’s been doing for several years.  If I let Sophia go outside without me, I check on her about every 5 minutes.

I’m freaked that something like that will happen to me again.  The feeling was awful then and now several times a day I get that blood curdling – heart racing feeling.  I don’t like the feeling.  I hate not letting the kids be able to have some freedom, but I don’t know what to do about it.

Just writing this post and sent my shivering and into panic mode.  This is definitely something I need to go see a doctor to talk about, because it’s not fair for any of us, myself included.  I definitely need to do something about it …

Mama’s Losin’ It3.) Your first panic attack.


15 Responses to Panic Attacks
  1. Carri
    August 31, 2011 | 10:25 PM

    Oh, I so feel you. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder when I was 21 and that was a real turning point in my life.
    I was always a “worry wart”. People were always telling me not to make a mountain out of a molehill. Personally, I think you had every right to be panicked in that situation, but if you really feel like your anxiety is out of your control, get help. I promise you will feel better.
    Best of luck to you!

  2. Suzanne McClendon
    August 31, 2011 | 10:32 PM

    How upsetting! Little ones just don’t understand how upsetting these things can be to adults. I have had to deal with panic attacks, too, but mostly just over the last year. When I think about how I almost died Memorial weekend 2010, it starts that panic feeling, so I try not to think about it for too long.

    I hope that you’re going to be OK. I will be praying for you.

    Your sis in Christ,
    Suz

  3. Alex
    August 31, 2011 | 10:34 PM

    That stresses me out just thinking about it…lol!

  4. Mama Kat
    August 31, 2011 | 10:38 PM

    Ugh!!! As a mother I can fully relate to that panicked moment when you realize your child is missing. It’s awful! I can’t imagine having that moment on a recurring basis. How miserable!

  5. Stacey
    August 31, 2011 | 10:48 PM

    That is the absolute worst feeling ever. When my oldest son was a toddler, he wandered off in the mall. It was the longest five minutes of my life. A security guard found him and he was fine, but I aged like ten years. Visiting from Mama Kat’s.

  6. Erin
    August 31, 2011 | 11:06 PM

    That is the worst feeling! I am that same way, can’t leave my kids for more than 2 minutes! And I don’t suffer from anxiety or panic disorders! I hope they get some meds that help!

  7. Eileen @ Bringing Up Bronwyn
    August 31, 2011 | 11:13 PM

    I can’t even imagine. My 19 month old turned the corner on an aisle at Target this weekend and it only lasted 2 seconds before I realized, and I was paralyzed. If it had been longer I probably would have turned into a puddle in the middle of the store.

  8. Jessica
    August 31, 2011 | 11:28 PM

    Oh that is a horrible feeling!! I can imagine how you felt. It must have been so scary! I too suffer from panic attacks and I totally get how horrible they are. Dont feel bad about asking for help–you really will feel so much better! Visiting from Mama Kats

  9. Barbara
    September 1, 2011 | 4:55 AM

    I was panicked reading that story! I can fully understand how terrifying that must be!

  10. Tiffany
    September 1, 2011 | 7:21 AM

    I know that feeling all too well. My post today is about the same thing. It was three years ago when we couldn’t find my daughter and I still worry about her going to play at her friend’s house. I haven’t let my youngest who is 4, out of my sight. I don’t need a repeat from him.

  11. Julie
    September 1, 2011 | 7:50 AM

    I’m pretty sure I would lose it if my kid disappeared and I couldn’t find him right that second. Of all the things to panic about, that one ranks up there pretty high.

    I hope you get the help you need.

  12. Tascha
    September 1, 2011 | 12:29 PM

    Oh my word! I feel ya girl. My kids (6, 4, and 3) are allowed to play on our porch while I’m doing dishes and one day I heard them yelling that Grandma was here. I had just gotten off the phone with her so I knew she wasn’t home so I ran outside and some strange man was there that looked like a creeper. I am new to the area and he kept asking if I knew where a street was and I kept saying no. I gave the kids the death look and they ran inside. I walked down the porch into the yard so he wouldn’t go closer to the house. My oldest let our boxer out of the house. She stood next to me growling like she knew he was a freak. He finally gave up and left. I went to the computer and looked up the street and guess what?! Didn’t exist. Not anywhere around here anyway. Let me tell ya about panic!! I cried and cried and hugged my kids. I called my mom and bawled for an hour and then I cried myself to sleep at 3 am. Waking back up at 5 to check on them again. That creeper could have grabbed my kids before I knew what was going out. I live in the country, never thought it would be a big deal for my kids to play on our deck while I did dished. Well, they aren’t allowed out of my sight anymore and it is definitely an issue for them. They hate it. :( I hope you make out okay!!

  13. Lynsey
    September 1, 2011 | 2:24 PM

    I can relate to that heart-stopping feeling. My kids have all done that to me at one time or another. I can’t imagine living that feeling multiple times a day! I hope you get better soon.

  14. SUPAHMAMA
    September 1, 2011 | 8:06 PM

    I am loving that Mama Kat put this prompt out and I’m a chicken for not pulling myself together to write this week. Anxiety is the devil. Hope you can get yours managed!

  15. Arnebya @whatnowandwhy
    September 2, 2011 | 4:58 AM

    Anxiety is an evil heifer. I’m glad you’re taking steps to help yourself, though. I lost my daughter once at the zoo (she didn’t think she was lost; she thought she was just standing in the middle of a crowd of people watching the baby ape). It is a powerless feeling but what you write here shows that you will not succumb to that feeling and for that I hope you breathe easier.